Sitting in your car with the window down, feeling the wind wrap around my face as my ears pulse to the beat of your music. My body starts to warm from the whiskey, I take a deep breath as I notice the burn in my throat. I’m staring at you and watching the way you change the song track, how you hold the steering wheel, how serious your expression, and how relaxed your body language. I think of how many layers are protecting the you I’ve been allowed to know. I wonder what thoughts you keep trapped inside, what emotions you’ll never show me, what fears you’d never let live in the daylight. I’m coming to the realization that you’re a puzzle I’ll never complete–convinced I misplaced the correct pieces, telling myself I can make the wrong ones fit. You leave me with more questions than answers. I constantly find myself jumping from a place of fulfillment to uncertainty. I find paradise on the ground, next to you, floating on the river of your sound waves. You tell me the sweetest words, holding me tight as I’m serenaded by the beat of your heart. Your touch so gentle, your tone so soft, and your gaze so fervent. I dissolve into you and accept the merger. You smell of shower gel and detergent, your face is freshly shaved and your cheek pressed into me with such a pleasing nudge. This moment is vibrated by the throbbing within me. This is something I could want forever.
The next day I’m left with silence. Plagued by flashes of yesterday’s beauty. Confused how the morning has deprived me of even a hello. Questioning what I missed or what I did wrong. I reach out to you reluctantly, fearing my greeting will push you further away. How am I so instantly the outsider? My calls go unanswered for days– days that feel like weeks. You have me considering actions my logical self would never allow. I’m needy, depressed, rejected, feeling like you’re everything. I’d do anything to get you just to say, hi, convinced I can make you love me just as you did a week ago. I’m making excuses for your sudden absence, playing the role of the “cool” girl while screaming on the inside. Every failed attempt at contact translates as a challenge to try harder. You reply with a sweet tone, speaking just as you did the last time you held me. My body relaxes from panic mode, “he’s back, everything is okay”, I think to myself. Anger begins to seep into my veins knowing if I mention the last few days I could risk the distance all over again. Now my demeanor is slightly off and he notices, tells me everything is okay and “I’m the one”. I let myself fall back in love, tell myself I over reacted, and slip back into my skin. 2 days later the silence returns. And just like that… I’m “crazy”– unable to ignore this pattern, no longer willing to be silent. I speak out about the mixed messages and demand to know what we are. You give no real answer as you nonchalantly change the subject by complimenting me.
And now everywhere I look I see your name, your interests, your favorite songs, and the naked call log on my phone without you in it. Not a single day passes that I’m not thinking about if you’re missing me, regretting your casual approach to me, and ready to fall deeply in love. But of course none of that turns to truth. You’re not that into me and it’s about time I come to terms with that. It’s nonsensical, it barely began before it came to a halt. You made me feel so damn important. For what reason? How could you use me without any consideration? I take some time to realize how life was the day before we met, and to my delight it holds great memories. I remind myself you weren’t as significant to me until you rejected me, I shine light to the cons of you, and I dive back into my daily routine as it once was. You call and text me every now and then, I’m too weak to ignore it as I’m still coated with false hope you want me. Slowly the content quality decreases as our friendlationship comes to an end. I see you around with other woman, finally the proof I needed that you’ve moved on.
“Let Me Down Easy” by Billy Currington