Part 1- Unusual You
My heart races faster and faster as I see your black truck pull up in my driveway. I’m peering through my blinds, but you don’t see me. I scramble around my living room looking for the most natural place to sit, as if I didn’t spend the last 3 hours working out, showering, and trying on all my clothes in anticipation for this moment. I decide on the sofa and pretend I’ve been watching this movie unaware of the time. You walk up and look inside the screen door and let yourself in, I react pleasently surprised. Suddenly the nervousness is gone, and I feel as if I see you every day of my life. I’m relaxed with you and it just feels…right. We share our day as we sip some wine, slowly creeping closer to one another, letting the energy build tighter between us. I stare at you and I’m in a haze, everything around you is blurred and there you are, the brightest you’ve ever been. I feel consumed by you, by this, and I’m drinking it all in. Every moment that passes and I’m more yours. Such a perfect moment– I want to live in it and pretend that there’s no tomorrow. How did it become 2am so fast? Do we have to say goodbye? No. I can’t let you go. You caress the side of my face and I feel your embrace shoot through me like a surge of electricity…I lean into your touch and let go of hesistation. I give myself to you. This haze accelerates into extreme clarity, my senses are amplified– I’m stupified. I can feel you, see you, taste you all around this room. With every kiss, caress, thrust, I become breathless. I arch my back and…a symphony of stars. I come back down from my utopia and lie next to you. I look into your eyes and then I know. There’s something different about you. Something unfamiliar, something comforting, refreshing. These butterflies, a gift from such an unexpected interest. You were an unplanned connection, but such a beautiful encounter. I don’t want to speak too soon, but… I think I love you.
This isn’t love at first sight, no, it’s something more genuine than that. But there’s no denying the intoxiating effect your beautiful mouth has on me. No escaping how those blue eyes gaze as if I’m the only person on the planet. Before you, I never experienced how sexy a conversation could be. How confident I could feel in the presence of a man. How special you make me feel when you laugh as I tell you the same story for the 10th time. How can you make my chest squeeze just by calling me beautiful? You were only a friend just yesterday. But today, your text comes in like a cup of coffee, I’m awake and energized just from seeing your name light up my phone. Suddenly you’re the person I want to tell everything to. I find myself texting you more often–and to my delight you respond right back. You don’t play games with me, you’re your honest self, open and vulnerable. You don’t make me feel scared to say I miss you or that I’m thinking about you. I send you songs and you listen right away. When I share my burdens with you, you take it upon yourself to comfort me–you seem to always know just what to say. We chat on the phone as day turns to night. You’re becoming my favorite distraction. But it scares me…
I have a habit of ruining what is good for me. But I can’t help but think how unusual you are to treat me so gently. You are so patient, and kind, and willing to understand. I hate surprises but you have the best ones. You’re my knight in college appareal–saving me from myself. But I don’t want to be saved. And you don’t understand, but you stay through the push back. I love you, but I don’t want to need you. You’re perfect but I hate that. You’re confident but it confuses me. You’re calculated and certain, but I’m self doubting and unreliable. We begin to clash and it frightens me. You’re starting to see my baggage and I’m starting to see your patience run thin. You stay. You try. You absorb the rejection. Your words are less kind, your tone is deeper and short, the repercussions of my insecurities have found me. I did it again.
But still you stay. Why? Do you even know why you crave this abuse? Is the hangover too brutal to endure? Or maybe this fire is just what you need. I’m addicted too. I feel I can’t leave you now. The fighting is branding my soul with scars, but the passion of our make-up is too tempting. How gorgeous you look when you apologize. How sexy you are when I taste the salt of your tears on your lips. You long for me, and I can feel it. I’ll do this every day to feel that desire–to be this close, this connected, this intense with you. We’re stronger than ever in this moment. Then the sun returns and we’re back to opposite sides of the battlefield. How long will this go on until this fire burns out? I can’t risk losing you, I need to stop fighting you and fight for you. That’s it. Enough. No more doubt. I know now I want you.
Too little too late. You’re bitter with me now. But I couldn’t quit you even if I wanted to. This toxic relationship is like heroin and we keep needing a hit–pushing and pulling from this pain like a chinese finger trap. It appears the tables have turned. I’m longing for you but you want nothing of it yet you can’t go on without it.
You wanted to save me but now, can we save us from ourselves?
…. To be continued
SONG: “Church On Sunday” by Grace