To all those who met me during my first 26 years of life…
The years I neglected the opportunity to learn about myself. The years I stayed stagnant, underwhelmed by my circumstance, waiting in the background for my luck to change, never grabbing the moment and living within it. The years I spent self hating, focused on what I wasn’t instead of appreciating the beauty of what I already was. The years I threw away the chance to show others what they meant to me, some whom I can never apologize to as they now rest beneath the grave. The years where I once had a clean slate and chose to self sabotage, creating more work for my soul to repair. The years where the groundwork of my future was to take place, but I took no path at all, leaving myself staring into the mirror at the same inner reflection.
2 years ago I woke up. I looked around myself, I looked about the earth, I looked at my children, I looked into space. My reflection shared the reality that my shell had aged, my soul floated depleted, while my heart weighed heavy. I journeyed throughout myself and felt taken back by the realization all the hurt I packed were jabs received by me and me alone. I took an insult and wrote the words all over my face. I took rejection and plastered it on my walls as to never forget. I took failure and used it as my alarm clock to remind myself every day that I wasn’t capable. I carried the number from my scale and wore it as a mask shattering my self-worth. I beat myself down before I even tried to get up, always expecting the worst so I never felt let down, never understanding I let myself down everyday by limiting my abilities. I hated myself so much and I projected that disgust onto others– making sure they were aware of their shortcomings and minimising their accomplishments–bringing me a petty satisfaction. They say misery loves company, in my case, it fueled life into my bitter existence that was starving without it.
Today I don’t stand as a new woman, I am still bleeding the sins of my past, still learning new ways to repair my body from my self afflictions, still catching myself as I push myself over the cliff. But what I do have is my third eye. My guide. My personal superpower to see my wrong doings and make daily corrections to be a better self, better friend, better lover, better mother. This new-found power allows me to do the dirty work necessary to rebuild my burnt bridges, or send my condolences. Too many of you out there, many without even knowing it, have helped change me for the better. You. You gave me this strength. You showed me how to love, how to help, how to live instead of survive, how to contribute to this earth beyond my selfish desires. You are my friends, my family, past partners, a grocery clerk, people seen from afar, a doctor, a brief conversation, and a shared smile in passing. You are human kind teaching me and others the power of our unity and love. So thank you and I’m sorry. Sorry you didn’t know me when we crossed paths. Sorry I kept my head low and lips sealed. Sorry I judged you, Sorry I hurt you. Sorry I forced you to carry my damage.